Tuesday, December 30, 2014

OK, You Win Christmas.

Warning: contains gross generalizations about whole countries of people, hear-say, humor, exaggeration, and things based solely on my experience.

I have to declare, after my first Christmas "at home" in England, that the British really do Christmas far better than we do in America (with the exception of not containing all my beloved family, my friends, good guacamole, coffee cake, nor TraderJoe's). Let me explain...and note that if you're not a Christmas celebrator, for whatever reason, on that front the UK doesn't really offer much relief. Sorry.

Christmas music begins in early December, not November, and it is just a smattering of tunes until about the 20th and then it is still by no means non-stop. There is a daily radio reminder of how many days there are until Christmas and countdown clocks in many places as well as decorations and sales of Christmas things all around. But that incessant drone of every cheesy tune recorded and recorded a hundred times, that inability to turn on a radio or shop in store without being bombarded by MariahCarey, the pain of going into any waiting room - it just doesn't happen here. I know! I see you plotting your UK visa application as we speak. Sweet relief!

A brief post-script to the music thing - they don't seem to do the novelty songs here at all. No Adam Sandler song's to nod at Chanukah, no Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer. Nada. Though some of their native tunes (songs recorded by British artists over the years that never made it to the US for good reason) border on inadvertent humor tunes.

In a few years time I'll probably regret this, but the fact that virtually every event, service, informal gathering, shopping center, party, road-side stand, Christmas tree farm, historic house, garden shop, Santa's Grotto (see below), end of term parent meetings, YOU NAME IT offers you a mince pie and mulled wine (or non-alcoholic hot cider) is kind of adorable. The average Brit consumes about 27 mince pies every Christmas (7 million are left out on Xmas Eve for Santa along with liquor, not milk) and as far as I can tell only a handful of those are eaten at home. The rest are being handed out, sold for charity, or bought at a ridiculous mark-up in tea shops and cafes all over the country. The mulled wine too flows everywhere. Alcohol consumption in the UK rises by about 40% over the holidays and I'm guessing the mulled wine pushers on every corner are at least partly responsible.

Ok, you waited patiently, a "Santa's Grotto" is like the mall Santa thing in America. And just like in the States there is a great variety and quality to these spots. It seems where I am that every "garden center" (that's garden/home store to y'all) has one of these. We went to one at the "rural life center" nearby that had a steam train drive you out to a small village with displays, animals, elves working in a workshop, and a Santa that knew the kids' names and gave them a present. No photo packages were offered. The gifts were not sponsored by Coca-cola. Of course, the Santa was also just kind of OK (fake beard, pillow substituting for mince pie fed bowl full of jelly). You can do more commercial Grottos but they're not the only or most popular options.

What I am told is a more recent tradition here, is my favorite. The churches here do an afternoon service on Christmas Eve (and since the sun goes down at 3:30, it is dark at 5 for it!) wherein the kids are all invited to dress up! You can come as any character from the Nativity story. Then when they do the readings, the kids participate. The angels lead the shepherds, the stars lead the wise men, and all the Mary's, Joseph's, and barnyard beasts hang out in the barn. It is nothing short of adorable.

Someone here commented to me that they felt Christmas in the UK was more commercial than in the US. They said this because the US has a reputation here for being more non-secular. Funnily, I find it almost the opposite. Christmas is a bigger deal, a larger celebration in the UK. Though is isn't necessarily in-your-face-Jesus here, I think it is hard to avoid and would be hard to participate in other celebrations at or near Christmas as they are definitely over-looked. Whereas in America, it can feel SO commercial. SO you MUST be MERRY. And in both places there is pressure to give lots of presents, to almost give more than you can or should "because it's Christmas." Maybe I am seeing it differently as a first timer, maybe I'm looking back at America with skewed vision too. But I have enjoyed the Christmas season here in the UK. There are literally hundred of activities and events centered around the holiday, some secular and some not, all fairly cool and fun. Want to ice skate? Want to shop in an out-door Christmas market? Want to ride a carousel and eat hot chestnuts? Want to see a group of reenactors make a Tudor Christmas dinner? Want a sleigh ride? Want to watch a farcical version of fairy tale (aka a Pantomine*)? There's one on every day in December. No really. Every day.

One last tiny thing I learned that I found fascinating. The last day of work (for most middle class people) before the "hols" is a huge party day. The amount of alcohol purchased nation-wide on this day is higher than Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve. That's a lot of office party hangovers!

Thanks for reading and I wish you a new year filled with love and light plus a little pain and darkness so you can be extra thankful for the good stuff.

PS - Love Actually film fans, the whole "Christmas Number One" song thing is actually really a thing! But sadly, there were no lobsters in any nativity plays I saw.

*I haven't been to a live Pantomine. I will go one day. But until then, if you don't know what I mean and you live in Raleigh, it is like Ira's A Christmas Carol but more crass. Everyone else, it is like the Three Stooges meets Disney meets South Park (with less cursing).

Saturday, December 13, 2014

An Honest Holiday Newsletter

WARNING: contains totally made up things and real things and exaggerated things. 

Holiday Greetings from the whole Oslott-Joseph Family?!?!


Merry Christmas, nearly, and Happy Hanukkah and, well, there are just so many options. Whatever yours is, I hope you have a great time or at least get a few nice naps in so you're refreshed!

Our year has been just spectacular. Little Joey has become a real problem eater; he just screams at most every meal until the rest of us can't stand it. So his diet is largely made up of yogurt, fig newtons, and goldfish crackers. It's not the best, but it works for us! He's also having a great time in daycare a few days a week while I look for work (gotta pay for Marsha's piano lessons somehow!). I'm told he likes to bite the other children and occasionally steals pacifiers with fresh drool to use for himself. This explains the multiple rounds of stomach flu and regular flu we've had in the house for the past six months. He is still awfully cute though and has taken to calling Daddy "poop, poop."

Speaking of Marsha, she's growing up so fast and makes us laugh every day. She's started kindergarden this year and has surprised us all by being sent to the principal's office twice for stealing another girl's lunch box. It's a Bratz lunch box like the one we wouldn't buy her. She keeps taking it and trying to make the other girl keep her Dora the Explorer box. Still, Marsha has also been learning to read and write. We're so proud of her letter to Santa this year. She wrote quite clearly that she'd like a "bicycle, shoes, and a new mama." Our proudest moment though came during the school Christmas play, just yesterday. While sitting on stage in her adorable donkey costume, she began to chew her toenails. With her mouth. While center stage. I have photos!

Billy, our oldest, started third grade this year and with the exception of his math teacher telling us that he's at least a year behind all his peers, it has been a stellar first semester. We would tutor him, but we don't understand the new math. So perhaps those piano lesson will have to wait as we find the money for a math coach. Oh well, at least he's enjoying playing football. His dad says little Billy has become quite the bench warmer! Billy's greatest skill though is his kindness, he's the sweetest big brother he could be, for which I am extremely thankful.

But how are Jeff and I you ask? Well, between his long hours at work, financial pressures, my exhaustion, and our oppressively judgmental in-laws, I'm not sure we know. We had to stop having a once a month date-night after my mother scared the kids with a bed time story involving Wall Street "pirates" pillaging the "99%" and leaving us all "homeless and abandoned by the state." When we do get a few minutes together, we both agree our kids are nuts but may come by it naturally. We day dream about when the kids are older and start ignoring us so we can get to know each other again. Then we stop and look at each other's photos and videos of them and try not to cry about how lucky we are to have them and our crazy little life.

From our family to yours, dear friends and family, we wish for you a year like ours filled with mistakes, shenanigans, laughter, tears, fights, make-ups, winning, losing, togetherness, and all the things you'd like to ask Santa for and more (except for a new mama. y'all are stuck with me and I love you.)

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Cross-cultural Exchange: Put on your sweats and bodge it.

I recently watched an episode of Castle wherein one of the lead characters used one of my favorite British-ism, knackered (meaning really tired), and calling redheads "ginger" is definitely being used more widely. I've seen a few articles saying that British slang words are on the rise in America thanks to Harry Potter, Doctor Who and Downton Abbey. Overall, I think this is a good thing but I believe we can learn from each other on both sides of the pond. Here are but a few examples of words I think the Brits might want to adopt, plus a few things the Americans might enjoy championing the use of over there.

First and foremost, "sidewalk." I cannot tell you how difficult it is as a parent to attempt to retrain my brain and mouth to say "pavement" instead of sidewalk. In America, the pavement is the road! So imagine telling your child, "Please stay on the road!" Which is what it feels like to me to say pavement. Honestly, doesn't sidewalk just make sense? It is the walking area beside the road. And yes, I know it is also known as a "footpath" but so is a muddy track as is the stone path in my back garden (garden sounds prettier than yard, I'm good with this one). Let's just accept the Americans have the better idea here.

Next, please call them "sweats" instead of "tracksuit bottoms." Such a mouthful for what are essentially trousers one wears to do something strenuous or, alternatively, lay around the house. Let's just call them what they are for rather trying imply we are all going for a run around a mythical track in a dream of fitness glory. I've heard people call them "trackies" but that's really not better and for me evokes an image of people addicted to dog racing, gripping betting forms and smoking half crumpled cigarettes.

As the temperatures begin to fall, can we drop the pretense and just say "sweater"? Even you don't know why you call a sweater a "jumper." I've seen several children's first words books label various things jumpers including one-piece dresses, sweaters, and overalls - I'm sorry, they can't ALL be a jumper. Sweater is evocative of what it is and we can agree that it is just for knitwear worn on the top of the body, generally over another shirt. Thanks. Wasn't that easy?

Now to the naming of types of schools. The British really just need to scrap their terms and start again because it makes no sense whatsoever. A "public school" is what Americans know as "private school", which makes the phrase "public school kid" into a classist insult in the UK. A "state school" is known as "public school" in America whereas a "state school" is usually just one of perhaps several American state-sponsored universities and colleges. I am sure the British system is rooted in tradition and history but so was beheading and nowadays we find that repulsive too.

In the interest of equal time here are four British words I think Americans would enjoy using.

I love the word "bodge." It means to put together quickly just so the thing will work. Honestly, this is the American way. Why don't we use this word already?

The word shambolic, while not disused in the US, deserves a renaissance. It means chaotic, disorganized, or muddled. Can anyone say American politics? Also, this is an excellent alternative to the not always socially acceptable "cluster fuck."

Say this one with me, "He got quite shirty with me!" It can mean rude but mostly it means pompous or perhaps flustered. For some reason this one really paints a picture for me. I imagine someone doing up their top buttons on their shirt or pulling a sweater in at the collar harshly while lecturing me on something inconsequential.

This last one I am less sure of because it is overused in Britain, especially with children - cheeky. I like it because it portrays well the playful nature of misbehavior, in particular with kids, but I've also heard it used to excuse sexist comments from men as humorous. I leave this one to you America, you bunch of cheeky monkeys. (see, that could really go either way.)

OH, but I have to add one cute phrase that WeeC has adopted - easy peasy, lemon squeezie. It is just kind of adorable. Use it instead of "easy as pie" because pie making is actually not that easy while squeezing a lemon is very straightforward!