WARNING contains: Me, unhealthy habit of American drivers, generalization about whole countries full of people, humor or humour, run on sentences and dodgy punctuation.
Today I passed the two tests that make up the first part of the British process of getting a driver's license. It was a fifty question theory test followed by watching fourteen clips wherein one must click whenever a hazard is perceived. This was my second time taking it as I failed the first time by just a couple points on the hazards and one point on the theory.
First, I'll say that the while the theory test is meant to cover the entire highway code, it absolutely biased towards three things: driver attitude, use of lights, and animals. These foci are indicative of British culture in several ways (And I hear you asking where is the funny. It is coming. Didn't I just say animals when referencing a driving test? Patience, grasshopper).
Let's first talk about the reality of driver attitude in the UK. I'd say that overall, especially outside of London, driver's here are very nice to each other. There's lots of letting in, stopping for pedestrians, waving on the other guy, and general "politeness." As you'd expect from the stereotype. Even when drivers here get shirty with each other, I've only once seen someone shouting bloody murder, honking, and gesturing at someone (British people reading this think I don't get out much). I think Brits perceive their fellow drivers as more and more aggressive the closer you get to Parliament and that's not untrue. But if most Brits saw what passes for driver attitude in say LA or on the beltway in DC, they'd be appalled. Can we say shots fired? The driving test too seems to try to emphasize keeping calm and "dropping back to a safe distance." There are a lot of questions about what to do when someone cuts you off, pulls out sharply, or tries to pass you and the answer to all of them is: ignore the behavior.
And now to the headlights. There are apparently a lot of rules about side lights and fog lights and dipped (normal beam) lights. On every practice test and on each of the formal tests I took there were questions stating/to be answered that drivers are not to flash their headlights except "to make other drivers aware of their presence." Here is where British people will laugh out loud while the rest of you are still waiting for animals. The British flash their lights CONSTANTLY. To say "thank you," to say "oh no, you go," to say "no, no, you, I'm in no rush," and to say, "why yes, I see you waiting there, cherrio." They flash their hazards/emergency flashers to say thank you for letting them in if you're behind them. Their flashers! To say THANK YOU. Brits note that in America flashing headlights mean: cops ahead, get the fuck out of my way, and stay the fuck out of it. Every once in a blue moon flashing might mean "you go ahead." On a Sunday, when you're only driving around to get away from your family and you aren't actually headed anywhere and you'll just take an extra swing from your Big Gulp while you wait. Flashing hazards mean your car has dropped its transmission in far lane of the highway and you're praying no one hits you.
And last, but not least, there are ALL the animal questions. In my practice tests I have been asked about the proper way to lead a horse down a road, what to do when a shepherd waves their arms at you, and reminded repeatedly that horses can go any way on a roundabout that they choose so BE PREPARED! The correct answer for the shepherd question is to stop, turn your engine off, and wait for them to tell you when you can go. Road crossings here have all these crazy animal names: zebra, puffin, pelican, toucan, and Pegasus. That last one is a horse crossing and it is the one that totally screws the whole "well, they're all named after black and white animals" logic people have tried to use to excuse this nonsense. I think I've seen a dozen questions involving livestock and another two dozen specifically about horses in the road. I feel like if we wrote driving tests specifically for driving in the rural South, our questions would probably center on deer running across the road, cows refusing to move out of the road, and what to do when a skunk sprays your car (tomato juice by the gallon anyone?) Oh and perhaps possum removal.
A few other things I found note worthy. The hazard perception test was the hardest to pass. The situations are CGI and I kept clicking too early and not getting many points (you get 5-0 based on how soon you see a hazard). The rules said to click when you _perceive_ a hazard. But in the end I learned that I had to click when I saw a hazard, wait a beat and click again in order to get good scores. Why? Because CGI is not real. It is predictable and false. In taking practice tests I scored well on live-action clips from the beginning, but I had to learn how to respond to the CGI clips in an unnatural way. Ironic?
There were a lot of questions about towing caravans/motorhomes. Really? Can't I get my horse to pull it?
And lastly, a note to the DVSA who puts these tests together - ditch the CGI and definitely stop telling people in your highway code to do any of the following. 1) Drive your car that is on fire to the exit of the tunnel you are in if you can. NO. NO. DO not ask a person whose car is on FIRE to drive a second longer, tunnel or not. Stop your car. Get out. Run away. Try not to run into traffic. Lucky you, the FLAMES coming from your car will likely cause other drivers to slow or stop and not run you over. 2) Turn around in the middle of a one way street rather than reversing into a parking spot and then pulling into the street the right way. WHY? Embarrassment? And it seems to me that Brit drivers are extremely happy to reverse into parking spaces. I sit behind someone reversing badly into a space at least once a day. 3) Put your handbrake on when stopped at a light. UM, what? Why? Is this light going to last THAT long? Are my brakes lights really DAZZLING? Let's have a disco by the light of my dazzling red brake lights then since this light will be so long, I'll need the handbrake.
Next stop, the practical test wherein I pray no one throws flaming sheep at my car in a tunnel.
